Op-ed: I wanted to kill Muslims, too. But then I saw the light.

When news broke about the attacks at mosques in New Zealand, it felt horribly familiar to me. That's because several years ago, I aspired to bomb a mosque, and I came close to doing it. 

I’m a white American. I grew up in the rust belt, attended church camp, joined the Marine Corp after high school, and ultimately retired from the Army. I fought around the globe, including in the Middle East and Somalia. I decided my enemy was Islam. I’m proud of my service, but I’m not proud of everything I did. There comes a time when you’ve seen and done too much to let it go. After my final deployment, it seemed like vodka and my hatred for Muslims were what was keeping me alive. 

So I devised a plan: Build a homemade bomb and set it off outside the Islamic center in my hometown of Muncie. In my hate-fueled mind, this was the final thing I would do for my country. I knew I would face the death penalty, but I didn't care. 

One day, though, my daughter came home from second grade talking about a lady she had seen in a hijab, the traditional Muslim women’s head covering. I love my daughter so much, but in that moment, I began to rant — and then I saw it in her eyes: She was looking at me like I had lost my mind. 

That broke through to me. I decided I had to at least talk to the people at the Islamic center before acting. I walked in the door and was immediately welcomed. The first person who saw me smiled and asked a simple question: “Can I help you?” My answer was also simple: “I want you to teach me about Islam.”

That day I was sent home with a copy of the Quran and told to come back with any questions I had. I began to read. Occasionally, I’d find something I thought would bring down the whole Islamic belief system. I’d hurry back to demand an explanation, and they’d give it to me. After eight weeks of study, my heart had been changed. That's when I became a Muslim.

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Over the past seven years, the people who welcomed me into the Islamic center have become my beloved friends, and I’ve become a leader within Muncie’s Muslim community. I’ve found love and compassion where I once held hate. It didn’t come out of nowhere though. I had to learn that my hate was wrong.

Muslims are like everybody else. We go to school, love our families and pray for peace. We’re among the most diverse communities on earth, from white folks like me to Indonesians, Arabs and Latinos. About 20 percent of U.S. Muslims are African-Americans. Some people who call themselves Muslims have done evil things, but they’re no more representative of Islam than the terrorist in New Zealand is representative of Christianity.

I’m beyond blessed that my community was able to forgive me for what I once wanted to do. I am grateful and I want to spread the love that had been given to me. Children aren’t born with hate in their hearts, we teach it to them. Right now, my Muslim community and I are grieving and frightened, because we’ve been reminded of just how deadly that lesson can be.

I believe that Judaism, Christianity and Islam all have the same core message. Although they all use their own semantics, they are all fundamentally about peace and love. No matter how we pray or where we live, it is that message that we have to teach our children and to each other.

There was so much horror that day in Christchurch. I’m especially haunted by the words of the elderly worshipper who first greeted the terrorist: “Hello, brother.” If only the shooter, who had spent so long planning his attack, had taken the time to hear those words. 

I was almost that terrorist. The kindness and generosity that greeted me at the Muncie Islamic Center opened the door to redemption and a life of love. There are no words for my gratitude and no words for my grief. Rather than teach each other to fear, let’s learn the lesson that the New Zealand terrorist most wanted us to forget: Let’s forgive each other and let’s love.

Richard McKinney is a social worker and veteran from Muncie.